To whom it may concern:
Please consider this document my letter of resignation. I no longer want to be a bottomless ATM or a 24hr customer service representative.
This isn’t what I signed up for, but somehow, this is what my life as the mother of an 18-year- old has become.
During the last 20 plus years, my life motto has always included “a good Christian woman/mother should” followed by a list of areas of sacrificial serving. I believed love equaled saying “yes”. The more I gave, the more I loved, or so I thought.
While raising children, I’ve said “yes” a lot, but, I don’t feel very loving right now. In fact, I feel a bit used, taken for granted and depleted. The more I give, the more I’m expected to give. It never seems to be enough. A new request seems to follow the previous one without even a breath in between.
In the midst of my compassion fatigue, I want to blame something or someone. The person asking for more, in my mind, is selfish, self-absorbed, or acting entitled. Or maybe society is to blame, and children today are the way they are because of peer pressure, social media or entitlement culture. Regardless of who/what is at fault for my current status, I want it to end.
In order to stop this never ending cycle of asking/wanting/giving/resenting, here are the truths I’m telling myself daily. It is not my responsibility to make sure my son’s standard of living matches mine, nor is it my responsibility to solve every one of his dilemmas.
He needs to find his own way and earn his own way.
In his disappointment, attempts will be made to blame, guilt, or even manipulate me into changing my “no” to a “yes”.
When this happens, I should remember I have said yes way more than I’ve said no over the last 21 years. I have sacrificed time, money, sleep, peace, and personal goals. The vast majority of life choices have been driven by the desire to provide the kind of childhood I thought they needed, wanted, and deserved. But, the childhood chapter is ending.
I don’t have to feel guilty for saying “no”. In fact, at this stage of parenting, a strategic “no” is much more valuable than a resentful “yes”.
A “no” will lead him to fend for and fight for himself.
A “no” will be an act of love….for both of us.