I have listened to audiobooks during my commute since I started traveling for work in 1997. A couple of years ago, the main character in one book was a young adult on the Autism spectrum. As a school psychologist, I have observed and evaluated many children on the spectrum. But, this was really the first time I heard a story from the first-person perspective, to hear the thoughts and see the behaviors of an adult on the spectrum.
The character was very high functioning, but was still experiencing unique struggles. As I listened to the book, there were so many things I could relate to. It was a lightbulb moment for me, and I began researching “adult women on the spectrum”. As I read, much of it had me saying, “that sounds just like me”.
While I haven’t been formally diagnosed, nor do I think I ever will, this insight into my personality gives me a certain sense of relief. I’ve always wondered why I felt so seemingly different from others. I always put labels (usually negative) on my thoughts and behaviors, such as: selfish, anti-social, anxious, awkward, unlikable, critical, rigid. The list goes on, but as you can see, it wasn’t a list of positive attributes.
While having this realization doesn’t change who I am, it has allowed me to offer grace to myself. For example, I struggle being around groups of people. Honestly, I find it exhausting. I become anxious even having to introduce myself to a group of 10 people. Attending events where there will be crowds is overwhelming. In those situations, I feel the need to act and speak a certain way, in a sense, I become a character or persona that I think is appropriate for the situation. I’ve learned, through research, this is called masking. I’ve probably been doing this my whole life, but as I’ve gotten older, it has become more taxing, and I find myself seeking situations and environments where that is required less and less.
To some extent, I even do it around my closest friends and family, even my spouse and children. I can become desperate for time alone, to have the freedom to be just me and not someone else’s someone. I used to feel horribly selfish when I wanted time alone. But now I know, It is then that the “mask” comes off, and I can truly relax. I need this time in order to be a better version of myself when I do have to be around others.
My other strong tendency is to want to control everything about a situation or experience. I always thought it was a result of being an only child and wanting things the way I want them, when I want them. But, upon further introspection, I act/feel this way because the unknowns make me very anxious. For example, when going to a restaurant, I need to know how long is the drive, what will the interior look like, how close will I have to sit to other people, will a booth be available, what is on the menu, etc. These kinds of thoughts and behaviors can seem off-putting to those around me. And even create conflict if that person isn’t aware of the underlying motivation for my questions and anxiousness. I’ve learned that if I do the research ahead of time, look at pictures of the restaurant, read the menu, I am more able to relax.
As it becomes more common for adults to seek diagnoses such as ADHD, anxiety, and Autism spectrum disorders, I hope we can change how we “label” others. Instead of the adjectives I used to use to describe myself (selfish, anti-social, rigid), maybe we can see each other through the lens of grace and understanding. That maybe everyone is “masking” something in their life and he/she just needs a little more compassion.