As I write, my youngest is 18 and two months away from completing high school. Our household has had many summits that might be entitled “what do you want your life to look like?”, “what’s next?”, and “you can’t live in our basement!”.
This season has been a wake-up call for me, as I have realized how unprepared my son is to live independently. Sure, I can blame the ADHD and the fact that executive functioning skills aren’t fully developed in young men until their mid-20’s, but along with that is the truth that I have enabled some of his behavior.
Too many times, I watched him encounter difficult circumstances and instead of letting him sit in the productive struggle, I’ve “helped”. There have been varying degrees of helping over the years. And, I’ll admit, sometimes I just did things because it was faster or easier, or less of a battle. Because he didn’t or wouldn’t….I did.
I became an expert at solving and resolving issues. But, what I failed to do, was let him fail. I couldn’t, right? A good mom doesn’t let her child fail, does she? Instead, I worried, and then asked or reminded, and then, let’s be honest, I nagged. Nothing seemed to produce the desired result. He did not have the same internal drive that I had…or at least not for the things I thought mattered.
Now, mere months from the time he could leave the nest, I’m on my knees asking for help. Not just for him, but for myself. I need strength to step away from micromanaging his life. I need courage to be confident standing in the NO.
The “no” won’t be directed at my son, as much as repeated to myself. When tempted to research options, make phone calls or fill out a form, I need to stop and ask if this is my task or his.
It will be an adjustment. I’m not just his mom, I’ve been his champion doer, worrier, teacher, and rescuer. It is hard to trust that if I put down those roles, he will pick them up. It will take some time for him to recognize that mom really isn’t going to cross off the necessary to-dos for him. But, maybe, just maybe, with time, he will develop the skills and learn to depend on himself.
When the productive struggle comes, and it will, he can lean on his actual Savior, God. And know that while I may not be hovering right next to him, I’m not too far away, watching him prepare to fly.
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31