“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger …” James 1:19 (ESV)
In a marriage, there is often a checklist, a recipe, a template of how we want the other person to behave. We may have even selected our spouse because of these specific traits.
When my husband acts out of character, I could react with kindness, empathy, patience and understanding, Biblical love. But, often what happens instead of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 type love, is an internal dialogue that goes something like, “what is the matter with him today? Why isn’t he behaving the way I expect him to? Maybe he isn’t aware that he’s acting like__”.
In marriage, we think the other person might want to know they are making a mistake. We think our spouse needs an awareness that they seem anxious, distant, depressed, not quite themselves. In these moments, I can choose grace or grumbling.
As a follower of Christ, I’d love to say that my grace tank is always full and the times I do respond in irritation are few and far between. But, in truth, my grace margin Is often narrower than it could be. When my quota of grace is surpassed, a comment or question like: “you doing ok today?” (aka: what is wrong with you?), comes out unfiltered. In these moments, I need more of God’s grace.
God KNOWS us, He MADE us, we are the way we are on purpose. To think that we know better about how our spouse should be thinking, speaking, acting, feeling, is not our job. If the other person does something clearly hurtful, yes, point out (with love) the offending action. But, if the other person is just being themselves, let them be. Let.Them. Be.
It is not MY job to create my husband into MY image of a perfect spouse. It is not MY job to refine them into God’s image. It is my job to accept him.
Lord, help me be not only slow to speak and slow to anger, but also slow to feel irritated. Let my grace margin be wide. Let me see my spouse as you see him. Give me discernment to know when a word or behavior needs attention and when the person just needs grace. If I must speak, let me speak first to You.
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1)
2 Timothy 2:24, “And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome, but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.”
“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9).
I don’t know about you, but these verses aren’t always easy to put into practice. I have the best intentions each morning, freshly inspired to follow Jesus that day. But, then I go downstairs and encounter other humans. During benign before work/school conversations, something is said that is incorrect, annoying, insensitive (or insert any other negative adjective). My earlier resolve to be more Christ-like is gone, and in its place is a very strong desire to argue or correct.
Later, I ask myself, why don’t I choose peace over proving I am right? Chose quiet over pointing out my hurt feelings? Chose agreement instead of explaining why my way is better?
How do I release the urgency of correcting people’s wrongful thinking?
This desire to be right all the time? Some probably stems from my childhood when I felt the need to prove I was right or smart in order to be seen, heard, or valued.
Other times, maybe I just want to explain a situation in which my feelings were hurt by a flippant comment. I want to reduce my negative feelings, and for the other person to see their error.
But, if I want to be part of the solution instead of escalating the problem, I need to slow or stop the immediacy of my emotional reaction.
If I know the truth, and the outcome of the situation doesn’t really matter, shouldn’t I just let it go? What difference does it make if someone else thinks they are right?
If there is no significant consequence of the erroneous thinking, how do I sit with the annoyance, shame, or hurt feelings long enough to let Jesus work in me and in the other person?
What if I focused on God being my defender rather than myself and trusted that there are some battles that don’t need to be fought.
I would no longer have to prove myself right to other people. Peace could exist. Even if someone else’s emotions become negative, I could choose to stay neutral. I could see the motivation of the other person, and rather than reacting based on my own emotion, I could let it go.
My relationships would change. My heart would change.
Lord, teach me when to speak up and when to be quiet. Let me trust You to defend me. Give me the wisdom to know when the outcome doesn’t really matter. Help me chose to have a right relationship over being right.
After my divorce and subsequent time growing/healing in counseling, attending small group Bible studies, spending time with friends, and having time alone, I felt ready to date again. I had a solid understanding of who I was and what I wanted in a partner, so I summoned some courage and created an online dating profile. The pool of viable candidates wasn’t large, more like a very small wading pool, but the process taught me how to communicate clearly who I was and what I was looking for. I learned how to discern quickly that a relationship wouldn’t work – through emails or phone conversations. I learned how to be politely honest when I delivered the news that I didn’t think we were a good match.
I held strong convictions, that if I was going to date someone, I needed to KNOW it was right. I remember telling my friends, at the time, that THE guy needed to show up on my front porch with a sign that read “God sent me”. After a few months of the online world, I began attending local Christian singles events, equipped with newfound confidence and a cautious optimism.
One particular event was a dinner held at a restaurant with outdoor seating. As I entered the patio, I noticed a man I had not seen at previous events. We were introduced and chatted a bit before being placed at different tables for the meal. While I spoke with almost everyone at the event, I tended to gravitate back to this man. We talked for several hours that evening, many times to the exclusion of anyone else (not even noticing they had left our table).
As the evening began to wind down, we found ourselves seated in a group of about six people. I glanced over to him, sitting directly to my left, and we exchanged a glance usually reserved for longtime couples, the whole-conversation-in-a-look type of glance. In that second, I wondered why his arm wasn’t around my shoulders, and simultaneously, wondered why on earth would I be thinking that? We just met. We didn’t exchange phone numbers that night, but we did manage to connect shortly afterwards via Facebook (gotta love social media). Many dates and long phone calls ensued over the next 8 months, but the knowing I experienced the first night never went away.
During this time, we were both completely surrendered to whatever God’s plan was for our lives. We were prayerful about every aspect of our relationship. I had never felt so loved and cherished by another human. My heart that had been so damaged during my first marriage was beginning to love again. I learned what it was to trust a man with my heart and know that he wasn’t going to cause me harm on purpose. When I stood at the altar, pledging to be his wife, I had no doubts that this was the man God sent for me (even though he didn’t come with the sign declaring such).
We often talk about whether we were supposed to meet earlier in life, did we somehow miss God’s prompting sooner? I don’t pretend to understand God’s plans, but I do know that waiting on His timing is always right. We are close to celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary and while I can’t claim it has been perfect, I am so grateful I was listening to God’s voice, instead of my own, twelve years ago, because God’s plans will always be more than just “good enough”.
I have been journaling my whole adult life. There have been seasons when it wasn’t daily, there are even a few years when there were big gaps, two boys under the age of three, size gaps. But, whatever writing I have done, I’ve kept.
Recently, when I felt God calling me to write and share my story, I went back and started reading those journals. It is hard to read some of what was written in my early to mid-twenties. Those entries make my heart ache for that young woman because I know what the next chapters look like. I know the mistakes I made and the pain I walked through.
I often wonder, was there a moment when I was supposed to take a different path?. Was there an intersection where I turned right when I should have gone left? The night I met my ex-husband, for example? What if, instead of meeting up with him and his friends on subsequent nights out, we parted ways as mere acquaintances? I knew we were not compatible on night one. I knew we had so many differences and were in no way equally yoked. But, for a myriad of reasons – low self-worth, the anxiety that everyone else around me was getting married, this guy seemed “good enough”.
Almost 25 years later, my advice to my younger self would be: Never settle for just ”good enough”. Especially when you are thinking about a lifelong commitment to something or someone. Hold out for God’s best. Listen to the inner voice when it raises concerns. Don’t ignore those red flags, and don’t be afraid to be the only single woman in a group of engaged and married friends. Know who you are and what you are worth so that you don’t settle for anything less. Don’t make excuses for behavior or treatment that isn’t kind and respectful. Spend time getting to know yourself rather than always trying to mold yourself into what you think others want you to be.
It is easy for me as a 50-year-old woman to look back and see why I made poor choices. I know now how the next 24 years play out. I see the domino effects of that one poor decision and how the lives of my children were impacted. But as a 26-year-old, I ignored the voice that said the relationship wasn’t right. I plunged ahead because I was tired of waiting. Do I believe that God has redeemed that poor choice? Yes, but I wish I could have prevented the years of disappointment, discouragement, and damage to my heart.
To anyone reading this, standing on the precipice of a big decision, trust that inner voice. If you see red or even yellow flags, walk away. Seek wise counsel. Be prayerful in asking frequently: is this God’s plan or MY “just good enough” plan. Be willing to listen and follow the answer you receive.
