Please consider this document my letter of resignation. I no longer want to be a bottomless ATM or a 24hr customer service representative.
This isn’t what I signed up for, but somehow, this is what my life as the mother of an 18-year- old has become.
During the last 20 plus years, my life motto has always included “a good Christian woman/mother should” followed by a list of areas of sacrificial serving. I believed love equaled saying “yes”. The more I gave, the more I loved, or so I thought.
While raising children, I’ve said “yes” a lot, but, I don’t feel very loving right now. In fact, I feel a bit used, taken for granted and depleted. The more I give, the more I’m expected to give. It never seems to be enough. A new request seems to follow the previous one without even a breath in between.
In the midst of my compassion fatigue, I want to blame something or someone. The person asking for more, in my mind, is selfish, self-absorbed, or acting entitled. Or maybe society is to blame, and children today are the way they are because of peer pressure, social media or entitlement culture. Regardless of who/what is at fault for my current status, I want it to end.
In order to stop this never ending cycle of asking/wanting/giving/resenting, here are the truths I’m telling myself daily. It is not my responsibility to make sure my son’s standard of living matches mine, nor is it my responsibility to solve every one of his dilemmas.
He needs to find his own way and earn his own way.
In his disappointment, attempts will be made to blame, guilt, or even manipulate me into changing my “no” to a “yes”.
When this happens, I should remember I have said yes way more than I’ve said no over the last 21 years. I have sacrificed time, money, sleep, peace, and personal goals. The vast majority of life choices have been driven by the desire to provide the kind of childhood I thought they needed, wanted, and deserved. But, the childhood chapter is ending.
I don’t have to feel guilty for saying “no”. In fact, at this stage of parenting, a strategic “no” is much more valuable than a resentful “yes”.
A “no” will lead him to fend for and fight for himself.
As I write, my youngest is 18 and two months away from completing high school. Our household has had many summits that might be entitled “what do you want your life to look like?”, “what’s next?”, and “you can’t live in our basement!”.
This season has been a wake-up call for me, as I have realized how unprepared my son is to live independently. Sure, I can blame the ADHD and the fact that executive functioning skills aren’t fully developed in young men until their mid-20’s, but along with that is the truth that I have enabled some of his behavior.
Too many times, I watched him encounter difficult circumstances and instead of letting him sit in the productive struggle, I’ve “helped”. There have been varying degrees of helping over the years. And, I’ll admit, sometimes I just did things because it was faster or easier, or less of a battle. Because he didn’t or wouldn’t….I did.
I became an expert at solving and resolving issues. But, what I failed to do, was let him fail. I couldn’t, right? A good mom doesn’t let her child fail, does she? Instead, I worried, and then asked or reminded, and then, let’s be honest, I nagged. Nothing seemed to produce the desired result. He did not have the same internal drive that I had…or at least not for the things I thought mattered.
Now, mere months from the time he could leave the nest, I’m on my knees asking for help. Not just for him, but for myself. I need strength to step away from micromanaging his life. I need courage to be confident standing in the NO.
The “no” won’t be directed at my son, as much as repeated to myself. When tempted to research options, make phone calls or fill out a form, I need to stop and ask if this is my task or his.
It will be an adjustment. I’m not just his mom, I’ve been his champion doer, worrier, teacher, and rescuer. It is hard to trust that if I put down those roles, he will pick them up. It will take some time for him to recognize that mom really isn’t going to cross off the necessary to-dos for him. But, maybe, just maybe, with time, he will develop the skills and learn to depend on himself.
When the productive struggle comes, and it will, he can lean on his actual Savior, God. And know that while I may not be hovering right next to him, I’m not too far away, watching him prepare to fly.
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
During early summer of 2021, we (and by we, I mean my husband) decided to construct raised garden beds behind our house. Our backyard is extremely sloped and requires a two-story deck with many stairs to get from our main level down to the grassy area below. The spot chosen has a good amount of sunlight and is enclosed by a fence, preventing the frequently visiting deer family from munching on any of the “crops”. This location would provide both the provision and the protection that plants need to flourish.
My husband and son planted a variety of fruits and vegetables in the three rectangular gardens. The plants were fertilized and watered per the local nursery’s recommendations and my husband’s research. With the deck layout as it is, gardening had to be intentional. We didn’t just organically happen to be down on the lower level, we had to tend to it with purpose.
Despite careful planning and maintenance, the bounty produced that summer was pretty bleak. With an air of discouragement, the garden beds were disassembled at the end of the season.
About eight months later, my husband comes up from the lower area, after trimming the grass and pulling weeds, exclaiming that what had looked like weeds, were actually rogue cucumber plants blooming! Even though the raised beds had been removed and no one was “tending the garden”, the seeds planted a year earlier were now producing.
This gardening experience reminded me of the verse in Matthew 13:23 “But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”
The act and art of parenting is often compared to this process of planting seeds. When the boys were young, I tried to do all the “right things”- prayer before school, meals and bedtime, Sunday School, Awana, vacation bible school, youth groups, etc. I tried to show them an example of what it looked to have a relationship with God.
But, given that my example is an earthly one, it is not without flaws. Like the raised bed garden situation, I have not been perfect in the way I have presented God to my children. I have stumbled in my own walk and not always been as intentional in my teaching as I could have been.
I pray, that like the cucumber crop that came about even though we did not tend the garden perfectly, my children’s lives will still bear the fruit of the seeds I planted years ago. And even if they wander away from that internal compass (as my older one has), I pray that they find their way back and hold tight to the wisdom and love that is deep in their roots just waiting to bloom.
Proverbs 22:6 Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old, they will not turn from it.
When children are young, we, as mothers, do everything. We fix meals, arrange play dates, schedule doctor visits, research preschools, coordinate carpools, read stories, clean laundry, mend wounds, medicate illnesses, and on and on. As children grow older, the duties don’t stop, but the job description changes a little bit. We monitor homework, wash uniforms, perform taxi services, watch sporting events, provide travel opportunities, and pay every kind of fee known to man.
As my boys have gotten closer to adulthood, my role has decreased even more, as it should. While I was once the tour guide responsible for every aspect of their trip, twenty years into parenting, they are now planning their own adventures and seeing the world without me.
My son, a 20-yr old Marine, got married a few months ago (yes, married at 20, that’s a whole other set of blog posts!). He and his new wife have been on a waiting list for married base housing, and therefore, have been living in separate states since the ceremony. But, in less than a week, they will be traveling 2000 miles by car to move her and her belongings to where he is currently stationed.
It took me by surprise when my son described which route they were going to take (which was different from what Google Maps claimed as the quickest option). When I pointed this out (as all good former tour guides should), he indicated that he wanted to take a more interesting path and already had hotel reservations along the way. How did this happen? When did I become a postcard recipient on his life journey?
His younger brother turned 18 today and will graduate in about four months. I’m not quite done being his tour guide yet. We still have a lot of preparation between now and then in order for him to be an independent traveler. And by independent, I mean, not only will he determine his path, but he will not be utilizing the MOM ATM at every pit stop.
I look back on my mothering journey and remember the days when my to-do list felt exhausting, and I longed for them to be more independent. Along the way, they have had periods of time, where they resisted the parenting I wanted to provide. They had their share of ignoring any travel advice I offered, assuming they knew the best route for their lives.
Slowly though, especially in my oldest, I do see that I am becoming less like a tour guide and more like TripAdvisor. He will call to check in with me, to get advice and seek my recommendations, but I know I am ultimately not responsible for his decisions. He determines where he’s going, who he travels with, and what route they will take.
It has been hard to let go of the role of tour guide and just accept the occasional postcards, but I know that’s what is best for them (and for me). This transition is what parenting is supposed to look like.
I’m excited to start planning some trips for two (my husband and I have already created a wishlist). But I will always be ready to answer the requests for travel advice whenever they ask!
