“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.” (Psalm 139:14).
I’ve heard that verse so many times, but when I read the word “works” I always thought big – like creation of the earth and all its wonders – big. I don’t put myself in that category, but I am one of God’s works.
Throughout my life, I’ve held the opinion that the mistakes I’ve made result in me being a worse version of myself than the original, perfect creation that I was in the womb. I’ve thought that If I’d made different (better) life choices, then I would be better, and I would more closely resemble the person God originally created. But, that isn’t true. God has allowed or even given me certain life circumstances to continue to shape me since birth. It wasn’t a one and done. It has been and will continue to be a constant refining of character, not a deterioration of self, if I am submitting my life to Him.
I am my own worst critic, comparing myself to others who I perceive as more – more loving, more kind, more patient, more spiritual. A better listener, friend, spouse, parent, servant. You name it, I can find someone who does it better than I do. But, what if, instead, I focused on what God designed me to do? What if I used the gifts he gave me to serve Him? I don’t have some of the gifts that He gave to other people. But that doesn’t mean I am flawed. I need to accept AND celebrate how and who He made me to be.
If I accepted this truth, I could stop feeling bad about all the ways that I am different from the people around me. I could stop thinking that if only I was like______, I would be more_______. God made me. Period. End of story. All that God made is marvelous. This includes me and all those I love (and even those I don’t).
Father, help me accept God’s creations without criticism. Let me celebrate the gifts each one brings. That includes me. Just as I am. Today. Not with all the stipulations I always put on myself or the list of changes/upgrades I think I need. I am a marvelous work. Let me know that is true, right down to my soul.
Jeremiah 1:5, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”
I have been journaling my whole adult life. There have been seasons when it wasn’t daily, there are even a few years when there were big gaps, two boys under the age of three, size gaps. But, whatever writing I have done, I’ve kept.
Recently, when I felt God calling me to write and share my story, I went back and started reading those journals. It is hard to read some of what was written in my early to mid-twenties. Those entries make my heart ache for that young woman because I know what the next chapters look like. I know the mistakes I made and the pain I walked through.
I often wonder, was there a moment when I was supposed to take a different path?. Was there an intersection where I turned right when I should have gone left? The night I met my ex-husband, for example? What if, instead of meeting up with him and his friends on subsequent nights out, we parted ways as mere acquaintances? I knew we were not compatible on night one. I knew we had so many differences and were in no way equally yoked. But, for a myriad of reasons – low self-worth, the anxiety that everyone else around me was getting married, this guy seemed “good enough”.
Almost 25 years later, my advice to my younger self would be: Never settle for just ”good enough”. Especially when you are thinking about a lifelong commitment to something or someone. Hold out for God’s best. Listen to the inner voice when it raises concerns. Don’t ignore those red flags, and don’t be afraid to be the only single woman in a group of engaged and married friends. Know who you are and what you are worth so that you don’t settle for anything less. Don’t make excuses for behavior or treatment that isn’t kind and respectful. Spend time getting to know yourself rather than always trying to mold yourself into what you think others want you to be.
It is easy for me as a 50-year-old woman to look back and see why I made poor choices. I know now how the next 24 years play out. I see the domino effects of that one poor decision and how the lives of my children were impacted. But as a 26-year-old, I ignored the voice that said the relationship wasn’t right. I plunged ahead because I was tired of waiting. Do I believe that God has redeemed that poor choice? Yes, but I wish I could have prevented the years of disappointment, discouragement, and damage to my heart.
To anyone reading this, standing on the precipice of a big decision, trust that inner voice. If you see red or even yellow flags, walk away. Seek wise counsel. Be prayerful in asking frequently: is this God’s plan or MY “just good enough” plan. Be willing to listen and follow the answer you receive.
Lord, am I hearing you correctly? You want me to write? To whom? About what? Who am I to talk to others with any authority on who you are? Yet, I hear the quiet voice, saying, “yes”- Write what you know about me as your father. Talk about being my daughter so that anyone who reads your words will know that a relationship with God is possible. Speak of the love we share. Tell of the time we spend together and the lessons you’ve learned. Be transparent about your pain so that others won’t feel alone. Remove the filters, let down your guard, let others hear the story I have woven for you. The triumphs that have made you proud and eager to share, but also the trials that have left you on your knees wondering if you would ever succeed. Tell of the peace that comes from trusting and letting go, but also the many times that the peace didn’t come right away. You have a story to tell, not as a teacher, but as a friend. A co-traveler. Your mission is only to talk about your relationship with me. No lofty goals of transforming the lives of millions, just the reassurance that people aren’t alone. Nothing more, nothing less. Trust that I will give you the words, for it is my story too.
Philippians 2:13 –For it is God who is working in you both to will and to work according to his good purpose.
Colossians 2:2-3 I want their hearts to be encouraged and joined together in love, so that they may have all the riches of complete understanding and have the knowledge of God’s mystery —Christ. In him are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.
