Please consider this document my letter of resignation. I no longer want to be a bottomless ATM or a 24hr customer service representative.
This isn’t what I signed up for, but somehow, this is what my life as the mother of an 18-year- old has become.
During the last 20 plus years, my life motto has always included “a good Christian woman/mother should” followed by a list of areas of sacrificial serving. I believed love equaled saying “yes”. The more I gave, the more I loved, or so I thought.
While raising children, I’ve said “yes” a lot, but, I don’t feel very loving right now. In fact, I feel a bit used, taken for granted and depleted. The more I give, the more I’m expected to give. It never seems to be enough. A new request seems to follow the previous one without even a breath in between.
In the midst of my compassion fatigue, I want to blame something or someone. The person asking for more, in my mind, is selfish, self-absorbed, or acting entitled. Or maybe society is to blame, and children today are the way they are because of peer pressure, social media or entitlement culture. Regardless of who/what is at fault for my current status, I want it to end.
In order to stop this never ending cycle of asking/wanting/giving/resenting, here are the truths I’m telling myself daily. It is not my responsibility to make sure my son’s standard of living matches mine, nor is it my responsibility to solve every one of his dilemmas.
He needs to find his own way and earn his own way.
In his disappointment, attempts will be made to blame, guilt, or even manipulate me into changing my “no” to a “yes”.
When this happens, I should remember I have said yes way more than I’ve said no over the last 21 years. I have sacrificed time, money, sleep, peace, and personal goals. The vast majority of life choices have been driven by the desire to provide the kind of childhood I thought they needed, wanted, and deserved. But, the childhood chapter is ending.
I don’t have to feel guilty for saying “no”. In fact, at this stage of parenting, a strategic “no” is much more valuable than a resentful “yes”.
A “no” will lead him to fend for and fight for himself.
1 John 2:6 whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.
Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Ephesians 5:1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children.
Each day, I renew my commitment to be more like Jesus, but each day, I am most like… Me. Flawed, human, me. And if my day concluded with a true/false test regarding the alignment of my words and deeds with Biblical teaching, I would usually fail (or at least get a C!).
But, failure isn’t an acceptable grade in my mind. As a child, I was always achievement- oriented, with a long history of being an honor student. Now, as an adult, I want an A in God-following behavior.
Each day is a lesson in how to do better and be better, but transformation doesn’t come easily. At least not in my own power. There are days I feel defeated by my lack of growth, but it is on those days, I have forgotten that I don’t have to strive for straight A’s based on my merit alone.
God has given us the gift of the Holy Spirit as our teacher and coach. He has also given us examples to follow in the Bible. We don’t have to guess at “WWJD” (What would Jesus do). The scriptures are a rubric and guide.
And the good news…this is one time it is ok to look at your partner’s work.
If I copy off of Jesus’ examples, my life will, over time, look more and more like His. The more I look at Jesus’ work, the more time I spend with my teacher and coach, the easier it will be for me to know the answers when I am tested. I will learn to hear His voice above all others and follow His prompting.
I know this side of heaven, I’m not going to be the A- plus student I desire, but I know I will come closer to that goal when I draw closer to Jesus.
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger …” James 1:19 (ESV)
In a marriage, there is often a checklist, a recipe, a template of how we want the other person to behave. We may have even selected our spouse because of these specific traits.
When my husband acts out of character, I could react with kindness, empathy, patience and understanding, Biblical love. But, often what happens instead of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 type love, is an internal dialogue that goes something like, “what is the matter with him today? Why isn’t he behaving the way I expect him to? Maybe he isn’t aware that he’s acting like__”.
In marriage, we think the other person might want to know they are making a mistake. We think our spouse needs an awareness that they seem anxious, distant, depressed, not quite themselves. In these moments, I can choose grace or grumbling.
As a follower of Christ, I’d love to say that my grace tank is always full and the times I do respond in irritation are few and far between. But, in truth, my grace margin Is often narrower than it could be. When my quota of grace is surpassed, a comment or question like: “you doing ok today?” (aka: what is wrong with you?), comes out unfiltered. In these moments, I need more of God’s grace.
God KNOWS us, He MADE us, we are the way we are on purpose. To think that we know better about how our spouse should be thinking, speaking, acting, feeling, is not our job. If the other person does something clearly hurtful, yes, point out (with love) the offending action. But, if the other person is just being themselves, let them be. Let.Them. Be.
It is not MY job to create my husband into MY image of a perfect spouse. It is not MY job to refine them into God’s image. It is my job to accept him.
Lord, help me be not only slow to speak and slow to anger, but also slow to feel irritated. Let my grace margin be wide. Let me see my spouse as you see him. Give me discernment to know when a word or behavior needs attention and when the person just needs grace. If I must speak, let me speak first to You.
As I write, my youngest is 18 and two months away from completing high school. Our household has had many summits that might be entitled “what do you want your life to look like?”, “what’s next?”, and “you can’t live in our basement!”.
This season has been a wake-up call for me, as I have realized how unprepared my son is to live independently. Sure, I can blame the ADHD and the fact that executive functioning skills aren’t fully developed in young men until their mid-20’s, but along with that is the truth that I have enabled some of his behavior.
Too many times, I watched him encounter difficult circumstances and instead of letting him sit in the productive struggle, I’ve “helped”. There have been varying degrees of helping over the years. And, I’ll admit, sometimes I just did things because it was faster or easier, or less of a battle. Because he didn’t or wouldn’t….I did.
I became an expert at solving and resolving issues. But, what I failed to do, was let him fail. I couldn’t, right? A good mom doesn’t let her child fail, does she? Instead, I worried, and then asked or reminded, and then, let’s be honest, I nagged. Nothing seemed to produce the desired result. He did not have the same internal drive that I had…or at least not for the things I thought mattered.
Now, mere months from the time he could leave the nest, I’m on my knees asking for help. Not just for him, but for myself. I need strength to step away from micromanaging his life. I need courage to be confident standing in the NO.
The “no” won’t be directed at my son, as much as repeated to myself. When tempted to research options, make phone calls or fill out a form, I need to stop and ask if this is my task or his.
It will be an adjustment. I’m not just his mom, I’ve been his champion doer, worrier, teacher, and rescuer. It is hard to trust that if I put down those roles, he will pick them up. It will take some time for him to recognize that mom really isn’t going to cross off the necessary to-dos for him. But, maybe, just maybe, with time, he will develop the skills and learn to depend on himself.
When the productive struggle comes, and it will, he can lean on his actual Savior, God. And know that while I may not be hovering right next to him, I’m not too far away, watching him prepare to fly.
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
Suddenly, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”
— Matthew 8:24-27 (NIV)
How many times have I encountered a similar scenario? The day has been smooth sailing, when all of a sudden something happens. Something that was not part of my plan, something that causes me some level of displeasure. I become angry, frustrated, or disappointed. And, often, very quickly. I’m on the verge of a “freak out” before I know what’s hit me.
Brene Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection, says, “Sometimes I actually think to myself, I’m dying to freak out here! Do I have enough information to freak out? Will freaking out help? The answer is always no.”
If I know in my head that freaking out won’t help, why is it that I react this way? Why do I go from calm to calamity in the blink of an eye?
On some level, I must think that all things should happen according to my plan, all the time. I must feel that I don’t have to experience trials or encounter other people’s issues.
Being totally transparent, I don’t want to deal with other people’s problems. I don’t want there to be obstacles in my day. I want everyone to like me and be on board with my plans, whatever they are. But, that isn’t reality, is it?
The key verse describes a calm boat ride that became very rocky, very quickly. The passengers on board became panicked. But, instead of becoming angry, frustrated, or attempting to solve the situation on their own, they immediately went to Jesus. They trusted His rescue. And we can do the same.
Calm to calamity, the transition in life can be just a few seconds. On the written page, it is the difference of just a few letters. The response is made with the many of the same letters: Call on The Mighty.
I don’t have to freak out, or become irritated and frustrated, I can trust in the one who answers my call.
Lord, please remind me where to turn when my calm feels like it is turning into a calamity. Show me how not to become angry when things aren’t going my way. Help me let go of my sense of entitlement to a stress-free life. And when things get rocky, help me focus on the one that calms the storms.
