I have been journaling my whole adult life. There have been seasons when it wasn’t daily, there are even a few years when there were big gaps, two boys under the age of three, size gaps. But, whatever writing I have done, I’ve kept.
Recently, when I felt God calling me to write and share my story, I went back and started reading those journals. It is hard to read some of what was written in my early to mid-twenties. Those entries make my heart ache for that young woman because I know what the next chapters look like. I know the mistakes I made and the pain I walked through.
I often wonder, was there a moment when I was supposed to take a different path?. Was there an intersection where I turned right when I should have gone left? The night I met my ex-husband, for example? What if, instead of meeting up with him and his friends on subsequent nights out, we parted ways as mere acquaintances? I knew we were not compatible on night one. I knew we had so many differences and were in no way equally yoked. But, for a myriad of reasons – low self-worth, the anxiety that everyone else around me was getting married, this guy seemed “good enough”.
Almost 25 years later, my advice to my younger self would be: Never settle for just ”good enough”. Especially when you are thinking about a lifelong commitment to something or someone. Hold out for God’s best. Listen to the inner voice when it raises concerns. Don’t ignore those red flags, and don’t be afraid to be the only single woman in a group of engaged and married friends. Know who you are and what you are worth so that you don’t settle for anything less. Don’t make excuses for behavior or treatment that isn’t kind and respectful. Spend time getting to know yourself rather than always trying to mold yourself into what you think others want you to be.
It is easy for me as a 50-year-old woman to look back and see why I made poor choices. I know now how the next 24 years play out. I see the domino effects of that one poor decision and how the lives of my children were impacted. But as a 26-year-old, I ignored the voice that said the relationship wasn’t right. I plunged ahead because I was tired of waiting. Do I believe that God has redeemed that poor choice? Yes, but I wish I could have prevented the years of disappointment, discouragement, and damage to my heart.
To anyone reading this, standing on the precipice of a big decision, trust that inner voice. If you see red or even yellow flags, walk away. Seek wise counsel. Be prayerful in asking frequently: is this God’s plan or MY “just good enough” plan. Be willing to listen and follow the answer you receive.